Conscious Incompetence
by Winds of Inspiration
Summary: 10th Grade: Kenny and Bebe have a satisfactory arrangement. Kyle is in love with Rebecca. Stan suffers heartache. Cartman has nightmares. Wendy is confused as hell. Butters makes a choice... And an old friend believed to be long gone returns with a threat to the friends and their quiet mountain town.
1. Kyle- Fall

A/N: Hey y'all! So sorry for the late posting! I've been busy with college and that combined with the stress of the current election has made my process much slower. The initial plan was to publish this when I had the second chapter done, but in light of current events I decided y'all should get to read this next installment in "Stages of Learning" I hope y'all enjoy this one as much as you did the last. As always I do not own "South Park" and all rights are reserved to Trey Parker and Matt Stone. I would like to give a special thank you to my beautiful betas GreenHat24 and TimelessMystery, y'all are amazing!

 **I. Kyle- Fall  
**

 _ **In which Kyle (mostly) couldn't be happier.**_

The last time I felt my stomach go this light, I was in the backseat of the car, waiting as my parents drove me to the synagogue three years ago when I became a man in the eyes of God. Especially the second half of that Saturday morning, after the fiasco of the Friday night service moved us outside where the heat was killing me slowly through the kippah, tallit, and suit. Being in the cleaned up synagogue reminded me of how vast the place was with nearly eighty percent of the town and almost all of my living family members present and looking expectantly up at me by the Torah. The thing is though, it makes sense that I was nervous as fuck for my Bar Mitzvah. This, on the other hand...

"It's just dinner, Kyle. You know that, right?" I rolled my eyes as I turned around to face Ike, who was standing at my open bedroom door, his iPad in his hands.

I breathed in and explained, "I know, I just hope our parents get along."

"I thought her parents already liked you?"

"Mark and Mrs. Cotswolds like me. Her dad acts okay and all... He just keeps giving me these weird looks." Ike rolled his eyes, turning his attention back to whatever was on the screen and walking away.

I sat on my bed, looking to my phone sitting on the blanket. I clutched the blanket tightly between my fingers, fighting the urge to look through the texts I exchanged with Rebecca last night. After all, dinner with both of our families wasn't the time to be thinking about… all that. Especially with her dad looking at me like he was contemplating whether or not to go through with poisoning me or something.

I laughed to myself, knowing the butterflies I'd have as if I was seeing Rebecca for the first time all over again; the way my head would spin as we'd kiss and only be able to say each other's names as we gasped for air; how our laughs created a perfect harmony. Even when we'd work together in the library and barely spoke a word to one another, I felt consumed by her mere presence. I'll admit, I may have pretended to not completely understand some of the AP Calculus AB homework just to give us a reason to talk, but it also doesn't hurt to be dating one of the class geniuses, and that's not just me being biased.

I was relieved that beyond that movie date, Wendy and Bebe continued to help out Rebecca in the transition. Given how embarrassed she still was about third grade and how anxious it made her, I wanted to make sure she could hopefully be given the chance for a fresh start with them, although I wonder if Bebe's just in it because she's weirdly obsessed with us as a couple or something... I'll admit, I don't have any reason to doubt Wendy's trust, but Bebe? I'm not really sure.

I wonder if this is how it felt for Stan before he and Wendy broke up (supposedly for good, according to him). Speaking of Stan, ever since we returned to school, he's only been speaking with me at my initiation. I know he's been better about Rebecca after that fight back in May, before we actually started dating, but the fact that he could be hiding something from me... I mean, he's my best friend! Why wouldn't he tell me if something was wrong? Maybe keeping his distance from me is how he's dealing with falling out with Wendy? If that's the case, then I can understand I guess, but it almost makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, like-

 _DING DONG_

The rapidly spinning web of anxieties suddenly fell apart at the sound of the doorbell, prompting me to leave my room and quickly run downstairs to find Mom opening the door to let in the Cotswolds. However, the only one I cared about was giving me a small, sweet smile, revealing her two front teeth, while I could only try not to lose myself in those beautiful, hazel eyes.

* * *

"Dude, you okay?" I turned around to see Stan standing right behind me, the bags under his eyes barely visible at the left (well, my left) side of the stage. Wendy was able to use her SGA Senator powers to get us out of class fifteen minutes early to give us some extra time to prepare before assembly.

Turning around with a sigh, I tried not to lose my balance from how dizzy I was feeling from nerves. I was actually going to do this. I couldn't care less if I sounded stupid or made about as much sense as the sight of a fish on a bicycle, or if I just sounded overall insane… "Do you think I'm crazy, man? I mean, I've only been speaking to Rebecca since March and we didn't start dating until about three months ago, but it's like I already feel this special thing with her. Again, it hasn't been long, but every time I'm with her it's like whatever is stressing me out seems to just sorta disappear somehow! And I mean, no one is perfect, but even when she takes forever to open up to something, or needs more explaining about things that would usually annoy me, I still find her, well… Even when she messes up I just feel more connected with her somehow, you know? And I don't know if that's what it was like with you and Wendy, but…"

I felt Stan put his hands on my shoulders and I suddenly could feel how tight the muscles in my arms were. "Kyle… Breath." Closing my eyes, I let my shoulders sag down, feeling some of the tightness loosen slowly, then all at once.

After making myself take three deep breaths, I brushed my fingers beneath my hat and through my hair, feeling the warmth from my heartbeat burst as I confessed, "I might just be in love with her, dude. Guess I sound kinda lame, right?"

I was met with utter silence on Stan's end, whose expression I couldn't quite make out, thanks to the lack of lighting backstage, aside from the quick blinking of his eyes as if trying to blink out a spec of dust before biting his lower lip. He kept his hands on my shoulders, as if he was about to impart some world-altering information. "Ky, if it were anything like with me and Wendy then I think I'd still be with her. I mean, I still care about her and she also means a lot to me, but not like that. My point is that shit's always crazy when you have those kinda feelings for someone…" He looked down and started chuckling as if he thought he said something funny when he muttered, "Ass…"

"What'd you say, Stan?"

He blinked, as if realization dawned through his murky blue eyes that almost gave away a sort of sense of absence. Of course, just as he was about to open his mouth, an orange silhouette appeared from the door leading to the formal backstage, declaring, "Yah know we got three minutes to run before Assembly starts, right?"

"Oh, shit!" I shouted.

My heart was racing as I ran to my backpack at the stagedoor where I got out the red rose bouquet, which thankfully wasn't crushed by my AP Calculus textbook, before helping Kenny close the curtains so that the three of us could plug in Stan's guitar, the keyboard we stole from Cartman's basement that Kenny had apparently spent hours practicing on for this, and then I checked the microphone. Whatever was going on in front of the curtain with SGA was faded to white noise as I thought of:

Rebecca.

Long, frizzy, brown curls.

Eyes like chocolate with flecks of hazel.

Her stammer that would be delightfully more pronounced like a song when she was excited.

The way her face would turn rosy pink when shy or to give me that sweet smile of hers followed by giggles.

Pure poetry.

Her intellect and passion for things I wish I could take time to enjoy more, like art and philosophy.

The way she would look at the world outside her homeschool utopia with insatiable curiosity.

How she blushed when we kissed.

The fact that the moment she realized she made a mistake, she wouldn't hesitate to do everything to fix it, when in reality we're all just human.

Those are just a few out of the endless list of things I admire about my girlfriend, and that's how I found myself backstage of the auditorium during a school assembly waiting to execute my plan to ask her to homecoming. My stomach was somersaulting, but as long as I kept breathing, things would surely go as planned. With her blushing pink, nodding her head with a sweet smile the moment I ask.

I quickly plugged my fingers in my ears at the sound of the mic feedback following Wendy shouting, "I said, we now have a special presentation!"

 _Shit! That's my cue!_

I took in a huge breath as the curtains parted. After Kenny and Stan played the beginning instrumentals, I found Rebecca in the audience, her eyes wide like saucers while a lot of the girls were loudly whispering about God knows what.

I took in a deep breath and went with it. "Everywhere I go I'm thinking of you, Rebecca." A bunch of girls in the audience immediately oohed and aahed and I think I heard a guy spit 'faggot' (five bucks says that was Cartman) but seeing Rebecca's eyes wide as saucers while Bebe was jumping in the seat next to her excitedly on her behalf, going through her bag for her phone, I felt my heart swell and continued singing to her. "There's only so much to say or do, Rebecca. The way you talk is like a song, Rebecca." Given that she was sitting in the middle section of the auditorium, I quickly met her warm brown eyes, smiling at her. "Your intellect and passions are strong, Rebecca." After Kenny played a few measures on the piano and Stan with the guitar, I continued, taking my time to get to the stairs descending from the stage. "I get lost in your hazel eyes, Rebecca, and you are an endless sunrise, Rebecca!" I began my descent, sliding off of the stair rail of the stage and continuing once I landed, preparing for the key change of the mash-up. "And you'd think that people would've had enough with silly love songs." Reaching my arm out to the right, I was thankful that Butters remembered his cue, allowing me to catch the red rose bouquet without screwing up. The band was now in forte as I began ascending the bleachers, surrounded by a chorus of 'aww's echoing in the room. "But I hope you don't mind…" As I neared Rebecca's aisle seat, I saw Bebe and the other girls whisper excitedly at her, pushing her to stand as she had a hand covering her mouth, her face as red as the roses I'd be giving her. "I hope you don't mind, that I put it down in words..." Standing right in front of her I revealed the bouquet, hearing her gasp in anticipation. I paused for a little but felt it was best not to tease her in a place like this as I sang, "Rebecca, will you go to homecoming with me?"

Needless to say, my answer was direct as she wrapped her arms around me and kissed me. It didn't take long for me to lose myself in the feeling of her lips against mine. The feedback of the dropped microphone couldn't seem to pull us apart. If anything, we separated when I heard Kenny get Wendy's mic and shout, "Get a room, guys!"

* * *

"Y-you know y-you don't a-always have to know what you want, r-right?" Rebecca reassured, putting her hand over mine while we were waiting for our main courses at our dinner date at Casa Bonita.

Looking up from the ground, I admitted, "I know. It's just hard when it feels like everyone else expects you to. I mean, I kinda wish I was certain like you, you know?"

"I-I may not be p-positive as to what c-constitutes 'everyone', b-but I d-don't expect you to know all that, a-and I-I don't think S-Stan does e-either."

I bit my lower lip at the mention of Stan. Ever since I asked Rebecca to homecoming, I swear to Abraham that that guy has been avoiding me in some way and every time I ask what's wrong, he just sort of disappears. Even when he got suspended from the football team and I asked him what happened, he just ran away without giving me so much as a 'fuck off' at the very least. "Stan? Umm, how do you know that?" I mumbled, trying not to let budding irritation get the best of my mood tonight.

"H-he cares about you. Y-you t-told me yourself; you're his s-super best f-friend. M-maybe he j-just doesn't know how to t-talk about what's b-bothering him to you y-yet."

I put a hand through my hair, still biting my lower lip while looking at the bowl of chips, as if they would answer me. I then looked back at Rebecca, tried giving her something akin to a smile, and said, "I hope you're right…How do you have so much faith in people?"

She flashed me a smile and shrugged. "I-I guess it d-doesn't hurt to g-give people a chance, b-but I'm in n-no way an expert."

I took her hand in mine once more. She had to know the truth about how I felt about her. "Knowing how their minds and brains work does help in some way though, right?"

We both laughed as she shook her head, explaining, "It's essentially n-neuropsychology in a-action. I-if I'm g-going to do that, I-I g-got to try knowing how p-people are, r-right?"

"Very true," I replied. "Any interesting cases you've seen yet?"

She took a sip of her water before stating, "I h-hate to say it, b-but Eric Cartman w-would m-make for quite a c-case study."

I couldn't help the laugh as I explained, "Trust me, everyone has a theory concerning his… deal. Sometimes I feel like he's not even a real person from the way he acts; like he escaped from some satirical cartoon and he's the allegorical representation of American bigotry."

I saw Rebecca smile again as she asked, "Has anyone ever t-told you h-how skillful you are with w-words?"

"Skillful? More like annoying…"

As we saw our food finally approach our table, she gave me a sly smile and a giggle as she said, "I-I think m-maybe you could use your adept application of r-rhetoric for a-a lot of things, Kyle, or should I s-say, C-Cicero?"

"Rebecca, you Einstein-ette, you are far too kind."

* * *

The moment the limo pulled up in front of Token's mansion, Rebecca and I practically jumped out of our seats and ran towards the sound of overplayed pop songs getting louder as we reached the after party. The moment we saw the elaborate marble staircase, the two of us couldn't help our laughter as we ran towards it, only for Rebecca to slip in her heels. Luckily, I was able to catch her before she could fall forward. After she regained her composure, she looked down at her feet and proceeded to kick her shoes off. As I tried to grab them, she grabbed my wrist, leading me up the stairs after her. Kenny wasn't lying when he said that Token had about a million guest rooms. Well, not exactly a million, but given that it's five stories it might as well also be a super private luxury hotel as opposed to just a home.

We didn't need to say a thing or even look at each other as we went into the first bedroom with a wide open door. The moment we entered the room, I shut the door and locked it, throwing Rebecca's heels to the corner of the room to the right of the door, and like two magnets being let go from afar, we met halfway and her body was pressed against mine once again. My arms were snaked around her waist as if even to the extent that our bodies were touching just wasn't quite close enough, as her right arm looped around my back to anchor herself at my shoulder while her left hand went from my hair down my back until it reached my ass and squeezed the left cheek, causing me to moan against her mouth as we kissed. Not that I'd ever admit it to anyone else, but anytime Rebecca squeezed my ass, a more primal part of my brain would awaken, reminding me of how much I wanted her.

When we finally separated, gasping for air like we floated up from holding our breath at the bottom of the ocean, our foreheads touched. I moved my right arm between us to cup her cheek, as I moved some strands of her hair away from her face and softly pressed my lips against her forehead, not caring if I looked insane. If it happened to turn out that I had truly lost my mind and that this was all a hallucination, then fuck sanity! I whispered in her ear, "I really want you, Rebecca... You wanna-"

Suddenly, I felt her hands pull me to her from my shoulders as she pressed her lips against mine with a hungry moan, then pulled away and answered with a smirk, "You can bet your sweet ass I do!"

That definitely answered the question. Anytime we would have what I call 'almost' moments, her lisp would almost disappear as if her state of ecstasy was that overpowering over her speech habits, which had been proven time and again when I managed to find a certain spot that really made her come apart as I fingered her for the first time last month.

This was it. With her body still pressed against mine, I could swear our heartbeats were in sync, both of our pulses rushing at greater speeds as heat poured over. Most of all though, my head was reining in caution while my heart was a ticking time bomb. Without a word, we stepped away from each other as if we needed to be in our own space to mentally prepare.

Once I was far away enough to see her in full view, every area of my skin started to shiver. To be embarrassed with how nervous I was felt pointless. No one was watching us. This wasn't like our kisses in the hallway for everyone to see how we belonged together. This wasn't a moment to brag to the guys about like a shooting a winning basket. This wasn't a game and Rebecca wasn't a trophy. She was simply Rebecca; a young girl with a charming stammer who only wished to understand people, despite her lack of social skills. Whose face would light up as she'd tell me about all of the cancerous brains she'd occasionally dissect at her hospital internship and then go on about how there's so much more unknown information about the human mind and brain that she wanted to uncover for herself one day. Who would ask to hear my essays read aloud like they were tales of awe and wonder. Who inspired so much poetry it'd never be enough for anyone aside from ourselves to fully comprehend. Who made every day better by just being Rebecca.

The sound of Rebecca nervously breathing as her fingers began to twitch while grabbing at the fabric of her dress brought me back to earth. Taking one step forward, although still leaving space, I said, "If you don't wanna do this or anything, it's okay... We can just do other th-"

"I-I want to!" she squealed, looking at the floor while mumbling, "I'm just really nervous."

I felt a mental weight disappear and lightly chuckled as I told her, "Me too."

She then let out a small breath followed by a soft giggle, looking up from the floor again, a smile starting to form. After a few deep breaths, I swallowed nervously before I started kicking off my shoes, then used my toes to push off my socks. With Rebecca already barefoot, she just went ahead with taking off her pearl earrings and setting them on the small nightstand.

Once I undid the first button of my shirt, I continued until I was able to let the shirt drop to my feet. I'll admit, it did feel weird undressing like this. Up until now, she's only seen me shirtless and I've only seen her blouses buttoned down to reveal a bra shielding her breasts. I saw her then snake her arms out of the thin straps of her gown, letting it slide to her feet while revealing a black strapless bra and mismatching panties with blue flowers on them. I could see the goosebumps on her stomach as I also felt ones creeping up my arms.

Just when I was thinking of stepping towards her to take her in my arms once more, I remembered the condom Kenny had shoved into my pants pocket as we were leaving the school gym. Stepping out of them, I kneeled down and found the wrapper sticking out of the front right pocket. I was about to turn my back to put it on when I nearly jumped out of my own skin at the feeling of Rebecca's fingers touching me between my chest and navel. The touch alone was enough to get me a bit hard.

"L-let me p-put it on you i-in bed," she stammered, taking the condom from my hand. I didn't hesitate to turn around and plant a kiss on her mouth before I let her take my hand and walk us over to the bed. She put the condom on the nightstand as we moved to sit next to each other on the bed. Wrapping my arms around her, I moved my hands up to the hook of her bra. I stopped myself before I could proceed to unhook it to move my head back and ask for permission, only for her to nod quickly in response. Resting my head back on her bare shoulder, I watched as I unhooked the strapless bra, throwing it to the floor once it was undone. I moved back to see her while my hands moved from her back to her front, then slid up to massage the valley of her breasts. They weren't huge like Bebe's, but not small either. Just right.

I slowly moved my hands so that my thumbs touched her nipples, causing her to tremble. I experimentally flicked her nipples with my thumbs as she looked at me with those pleading hazel eyes. "K-keep doing that!" As I continued those ministrations, I felt her nipples grow hard from my touch. I was spellbound by her reactions and wanted to keep trying to find new ways to make her moan and whimper in ecstasy. I went right in and licked around her nipple, causing her to tighten her hold on my shoulders, throwing her head back as she moaned, "Ohhh, K-Kyle."

Suddenly, I felt a hand gently stroke my shaft. "O-o-oh..." I moaned as I pushed my boxers down so that Rebecca could pull them off me before pulling me down, flipping us so that I was on my back and she was sitting on her knees, her legs on the outsides of my own as she continued to caress my shaft with her right hand and massage my testicles with her left hand. Even though she still had her panties on, I swore I could smell her arousal as if it were awakening something more primal, demanding I give myself to her before I could completely lose the sensation. I suddenly felt the grip of Rebecca's hand loosen then disappear as she reached over to the nightstand, ripping open the plastic with her teeth. That sent another wave of blood rushing from my head to my groin. She then slowly slid the condom on me. Once she was finished rolling it on all the way, I took her hands in my own, interlacing our fingers together as I sat up and we slowly moved so that I was above her and her back was against the bed.

She shakily looked me in the eyes, begging, "I-I want you i-inside... P-please."

"Shh..." I then softly kissed her forehead, stroking her cheek and then pressing my forehead against hers as I hoarsely whispered as if I was telling her something sacred, "Rebecca... Let me take care of you first, baby."

I then moved my head slowly down her body, taking in the feeling of her smooth, soft skin against my face, planting a kiss on the freckle near her belly button until I nearly buried my nose atop her panties. The dampness emitted a kind of aroma that was natural, a part of her body that was preparing to give itself to me. I slowly pulled them down by the waistband and let her kick them off of her legs and onto the floor. Using my right hand while my left arm was holding me steadily above her, I slowly, gently inserted my index finger inside her. A shiver came down my spine as my finger became encased in her fluids, marking me as her own, her moans nearly taking me to the edge.

"T-two," she stammered with a delighted sigh as I pulled out my pointer finger before letting my middle finger join as I slid back in and used my thumb to find that spot above her entrance that always seemed to make her very sensitive when I'd feel her up there, "O-oh y-yeah."

"Mm... You feel good?"

She giggled, "Very good!"

"Oh, Rebecca," I sighed as I pulled my fingers out of her, almost mesmerized from the feeling of being inside before the condom would take that away.

Usually I'd find most sexual activity that I'd hear about from the guys (particularly Kenny) and the internet to be unhygienic to the point that it'd baffle me as to why anyone would want to do this sort of thing. However, the moment that I almost instinctually tasted the fluid on my fingers with one lick is when it really clicked in my head. Sex would never really be 'just sex'. At least for us. The sweet taste of Rebecca on my fingers had brought me to the point of no return as she moved her legs wider apart. Positioning myself at her entrance, I looked her in the eyes as if our souls were about to join together, both literally and figuratively. Before I could ask though, she moved down and it almost felt like she was impaling herself on me. A huge knot of guilt swelled in my stomach as tears began to pour down her face. I was very quick to start kissing her tears and eyes while trying to keep myself from making any sudden movements. Her breathing began to steady as she got used to the feeling of sex and I felt an intense heaviness build up in my chest, like my heart was about burst from my rib cage.

I then saw her give me a small smile as she stroked my face with her right hand and stammered, "I-I'm okay now…. It was just… s-so much..."

Nodding, I asked, "Ready?"

She then grinned with a hearty laugh, "Yeah." Finally, I let myself go as I slowly pulled out of her while making sure the tip was still inside before pushing back in. The moment I was inside her once more we let out a heavy sigh, as if we were about to reach paradise together.

"Oh y-yes... K-Kyle! O-oh yeah."

"Oh my God, Rebecca... The things you do to me." I don't often consider myself religious, but it was as if in this moment we were about to be given a taste of the divine for ourselves, even if just for a fleeting moment as we experienced what I could only describe as a supernova bursting with passion. I was unable to hold back the next four words that fell from my lips, "I love you, Rebecca." We fell to our sides while I slowly moved out of her and threw the condom in the trash bin on the other side of the bed. Turning around, I saw her pink as a rose, glowing like a star lighting up the entire universe. _My universe_. She snuggled against my chest, initiating a soft, indulgent kiss before parting and stammering, "I-I love you t-too, Kyle." I don't know what it was but we both suddenly started laughing as she reached for the light at the night stand to turn it off.

Tomorrow, we'd worry about how to deal with her parents.

Tomorrow, there'd be homework.

Tomorrow, people might talk.

Tomorrow, I'd try once more to reach out to Stan.

But right here and now, I could savor every moment of exhilaration with the one I loved in my arms.


	2. Cartman- Fall

A/N: Sorry its been forever, real life can do that but wanted to get this chapter out to y'all for being super patient! Thanks so much to GreenHat and TimelessMystery for being wonderful betas and as usual I do not own _South Park,_ all rights reserved to Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

 **II. Cartman- FALL**

 **_In which Cartman might need help...seriously..._ **

"C'mon, Windy, we kicked ass tonight!"

"Well excuse me for worrying about you getting us disqualified!"

"Seriouslah? Yah know those assholes were using their phones to look up shit when the moderator wasn't looking, right?"

"Did you really have to call them 'cheating Jew-rats' though?"

"How many times do I have to tell you? I just call it like it see it," I shrugged with a groan as I leaned against the bus window, watching the blurs of the Friday night traffic because of course the first tournament of the year just had to be out in fucking Aurora. I'm surprised that I didn't just pass out as soon as I sat down on the bus since we're going to be back there in the morning too.

Why am I losing sleep by doing the debate team and football? Let's just say that anyone who knows me knows just how seriously I take my bets. Then again, it's not like I'm getting good sleep anyway. These bogus nightmares have now become an even bigger bitch than Kyle's Mom and Hillary Rodham Clinton combined into a super-mega bitch with eternal PMS.

This was the first debate tournament of the year. All of those meet ups over the summer better have fucking paid off because I didn't lose all of the time I could've used getting blackmail on my enemies just to lose.

Not gonna lie, I wasn't that bugged by seeing Wendy so much this summer. Then Stan had to dump her before school was even out and I had to deal with her being all sad and shit. I mean, she always said that she was fine, but I swear any time we'd take a snack or TV break she'd be staring out at nothing similar to the way that I look at Cheesy Poofs at the convenience store when I have no cash on me to buy any. The bitch didn't even thank me for keeping my mouth shut about it because it wasn't easy. Not that I give a shit about how she's dealing with the break up... The bet isn't going to be any fun if she's starting to act like the chick from Twilight. Note to self: if I want to live, I can never say that to Wendy's face.

For some retarded reason, I almost wanted to say something to her when our opponents finally arrived. Wendy immediately glared at me with her sharp grey-ish eyes like she was telling me to keep my mouth shut about the fact they were both black. I rolled my eyes back at her as if to say, "Whatever bitch."

* * *

"I can't take it! We were clearly the better team! Why's it taking this long to find out how we did?" Wendy was pacing around the table where our team was seated, looking like she was trying not to bite her nails or something.

"Dude, yah know it's only been fifteen minutes, right?"

She stopped in her tracks and snarled at me, "I know that! Doesn't mean I'm any less nervous! I mean, we've been working all summer and if it was all for nothing then..." She then growled as she took a seat, crossing her arms over her chest.

I opened my mouth to say something else but I couldn't think of anything and just let out a fucking yawn and figured I'd rest my eyes a bit.

Not sure how but I woke up on some kind of operating table like the ones at doctors offices, but it wasn't really. It wasn't until that familiar voice creaked like a door slowly opening on its own that I started feeling sick as hell.

"Yer Mom'll be real angry if you tell her 'bout our secret!"

I squeezed my eyes shut, wanting it all to go away... But I'm always screaming like a little bitch because I'm too much of a fucking pussy to deal with this shit... As suddenly as this started, I began to hear a voice start softly, "Cartman... Cartman... Cartman, wake up!"

The last one made me fucking jump out of my skin as I blinked and remembered where the hell I really was, and saw Wendy standing in front of me with a binder, looking at me like I just turned into a fucking hippie. "Whaddya want, ho?"

She breathed out her nose, as if making sure she wasn't going to explode, before rolling her eyes. She opened her mouth as if to say something, then bit her lower lip, like she chickened out of whatever she was going to say and eventually said, "Just wanted to let you know we won that round..."

"Sweet," I said, suddenly feeling more awake knowing the judges saw how we kicked ass... well I kicked ass, she just did her thing.

* * *

Homecoming is fucking gay. Not the game, I kicked ass during the game this year! It's the faggy dance where guys go on faggy dates with faggy chicks and dance to their faggy music.

Like Kyle, who's probably making out with that faggy slut of his, Rebecca… They're such fags that they need to put the fact that their in love in everyone's faces and it makes me want to lose my fucking lunch every time. They seriously need to get a room. Then Kenny is going with Bebe because they're probably banging too. They're both such sluts… I guess they're kind of made for each other then. Stan wasn't there of course because of his fucking breakdown a week ago when he told everyone that they were full of shit and then puked all over Coach Stotch… that part was pretty funny. I, on the other hand, was sitting on my bed at home because I don't associate with losers who go to school dances.

DING DONG

"Eric! You have a friend at the door!"

"Fahn! I'll get it, Mahm!"

Ha! I guess those guys finally realized how gay homecoming is and that hanging out with me is more sweet. But when I opened the door, I saw a girl with ink-black hair, grey-ish eyes (they seemed to be rather soft like a flat rock; weird since they're usually glaring daggers), and a small, black dress hugging her small waist and free flowing below…or wait… was the dress just a very dark blue? Whatever, the fucking point is that this wasn't any of the guys. She then smiled like she had a gun to her head and asked, "So, I was wondering if you wanted to go over our argument for next week's—,"

I was not in the mood for this bullshit.

"Admit it, Testaburger, homecoming is lame."

She finally dropped the smile, having the decency to glare, folding her arms across her chest and huffing, "Fine, Cartman. It sucked ass. Now would you please let me in? No one else wanted to leave and I don't feel like hanging out at home by myself—I'll just watch TV in silence if that makes you happy, it's fucking freezing out here!"

I moved to the side of the open door and she quickly got inside as I let go of the door so that it slammed shut. As she moved to sit on the couch, I went to get some Cheesy Poofs from the pantry. Okay, she did say that no one else would leave with her and she didn't want to wait at home alone for her parents, but why the flying fuck would she go to my house for something not debate related? Sure, her and Stan broke up, but I think his family would still be okay with her hanging around…. Everyone knows he's grounded, but still…

"You know why…"

I almost let the Cheesy Poofs slip from my hands. I hadn't had that son of a bitch's squeaking, dumb ass voice in years… I wasn't even going to give him the satisfaction of looking. "Fuck off, Cupid Me!" I spat in a sharp whisper, waving my hand around the air for good measure.

"Cartman? What's going on?"

At least I thought I had whispered that... I'm gonna kill Cupid Me! "Nothing!" Fuck, why did I sound like such a faggy faggot? My voice was probably right below Butters' on the faggy voice scale right there! I just walked over to the couch to see Adolf sitting on Wendy's lap, nuzzling his tiny head against her dress. I looked over at him and muttered, "Traitor," as I set down the Cheesy Poofs. For a moment, I swore I heard Wendy giggle, but maybe that was just something else. I just sat there and began to flip through channels in silence until I settled on Terrance and Phillip reruns. Wendy didn't say anything, just kept looking at the TV. After a few moments, I thought I saw her turn to look at me like she was about to say something. I really hate that hesitation shit. "The fuck you want, Testabitch?"

She scowled for a moment before she lowered the volume on the TV and adjusted how she was sitting to face me, looking weirdly serious, even for her.

"I have to ask because it's been hard not to notice, but… Cartman… does this Cupid Me thing have anything to do with you falling asleep during debate and talking in your sleep and shit?"

Let's just say, if I had a glass in my hand right now, this would be the time to let it drop, so that the shattered pieces would spread all across the floor. I looked to Adolf, but even that dumb cat might've just said, "Screw you bitch," as he nuzzled his head against Wendy once again.


End file.
